..just BAM and the smoke smells way to good.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The smell of cigarette smoke is doing me in.
My main question is: why now? Why now am I feeling so vulnerable when faced with the urge to smoke. The urge that for months has been completely absent and is now rearing it’s alluring inviting enticing ugly head? Before all I had to do was remind myself how hard it was so stop, the health benefits - both immediate (ability to breath) and future (life itself),how unfair it was to keep smoking after my finance quit, how much I wanted to do this for my father. Once I reminded myself of these things the desire to smoke would vanish instantaneously. Now as I sit here I find myself wondering what all the fuss was about. I miss it.
The funny thing is that I have always been really firm in my commitments to stop something. Too firm at times perhaps. It has gone so far as to take on a defining quality. I AM that person who is strong willed, hard headed, and stubborn. Who can set her mind to anything (self control wise) and just do it. Once I concede that it’s time to give something up - well that’s it - done, finito, gone. But therein lies the problem.
I have become so internally defined with my ability to limit and restrict that I can’t stop. I have come to thrive on (or rather suffer from) my personal, epic battles of will power.
But now I am left asking: in constantly ’taking away’ from myself with goals of raising my own personal bar, what am I going to be left with? Life is slowly but surely loosing the fun, the carefree, the enjoyable. I actually once considered myself SPONTANEOUS. Where have those days gone? According to the records I am only 21 years old after all.
Can you understand how unsettling it is to have such urges to smoke? If I were to give in to such an urge, where would the cycle lead me? How would I define myself? How would others’ view of me change? If I started smoking again and told myself that if I quit once I could do it again - what would stop me from starting everything else I have stopped with the same justification. What would stop me from winding up back in my car, family and friendless, with drugs as my sole desired companion. Drugs and words anyway. I have always believed a saying I once heard, something that has always stuck with me: The first time you try to quit, it’s easy. [ I take that to mean relatively so - in other words, don't throw away your one 'free-pass'. Not that it is exactly 'easy' the first time, but I sure as hell don't want to know what the non-easy subsequent tries are like.]
I am leading this refined and sifted life that I (non-religiously) imposed upon myself. For me it has always been all or nothing. Entirely ‘out there’ or entirely ’here’. Entirely absent or entirely present. For some reason there is no give and take in me - it’s entirely give or entirely take.
Why the sudden insecurities? Nothing bad, nothing troubling, no real bout of depressive thoughts - just BAM and the smoke smells way to good.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 11:46 am
Several of my family members smoked and quit - and several months after quitting, they all got an urge like you describe. Women had it stronger than men…but it was usually between 3 and 8 months after they quit.
Many reported getting a ‘wave of cravings’ every few months, but longer and longer apart - and less intense each time. So, do not dispair! This is a normal part of the quitting process…and no, you have not ‘lost it’!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Maybe you need something new in your life. Something safer and saner than smoking. Maybe skydiving or rock climbing.
Instead of thinking about the smell of the smoke itself, try thinking of the stink that follows all smokers everywhere they go, yet that they are unaware of. People who smoke don’t “smell” of smoke. They stink. Their hair stinks. Their breath stinks. Their clothes stink. Hell, their books stink. (Or at least mine did.)
I too am a reformed smoker. And I know there’s nothing worse than a reformed anything. Still, smoking is disgusting and stupid. Just hit yourself in the head with a hammer.
Diatribe aside, it sounds like there’s something more going on with you just beneath the surface. Take care of yourself.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Thank you both for the responses. They mean mountains.
I am sure (mostly) that in a few days or weeks I will have forgotten all about my current internal debate, and will have resumed my stubborn persistence.
Until then I will just keep trying to remind myself that the smell on others is a ’stink’ as P.J. calls it - rather than reminiscent of the smell wafting in the air, drifting down from the chimney at my parents home, entering my nostrils just before I open the door to the warm and comforting interior. Ahem, stink.
Friday, April 11, 2008 at 9:34 am
well…
that sure is somethin else…
and that’s the beauty…
i guess
Saturday, April 12, 2008 at 5:49 am
I read about myself in your words. Of course, when I smoked - I did it and enjoyed it wasn’t just a habit.
I quit on September 17, 2002. Yes, I will remember that date forever.
I gave it up for those around me. I gave it up for my health. I gave it up to not be that person that offends peoples sense of smell as I passed them.
Today, I feel fabulous because of that decision. It wasn’t always like that Sitting at my computer or driving and I was almost fantasizing about a drag.
One thing I found to help. I took and still do some times, take deep long breaths. I hold it for a good long time and release. I find I receive the relaxing feelings that cigarettes gave me without the need.
Good luck! You can make it to a non-appealing side of smoke.
Saturday, April 12, 2008 at 6:34 am
I’m more than twice your age and consider myself to be very strong willed. I started and quit smoking 3 or 4 times over the years. Right now I like being able to take a hot shower in the morning without hacking up a clam. But if I change my mind and start up again in the future, I’m not gonna end up homeless or in jail. Ditto for coffee.
Drugs though are a different question. You can’t smoke crack before you drop your kid at daycare on your way to work.
When it comes to things that have nearly killed me, I count changing my mind as not being able to quit.
I still like to smell cigarettes, but just for today, I don’t want to smell like them.
:)
Monday, April 14, 2008 at 7:35 pm
It does get more and more difficult to quit. I went back after six years, and it was truly one of the stupidest things I ever did. Don’t do it! You never have to quit again.
One thought that helps me is that the urge to smoke passes WHETHER OR NOT you smoke. The cigarette takes it away for a short while, but it also goes away with time. Smoking just brings it back quicker.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Madamlight, GentlePath, Lydia:
Thank you all so much for stopping by and lending your support. I cannot begin to tell you how much it meant to read your words (as it happened, via blackberry during the day, at exactly the moment I needed to).
Sorry for the delay in responding back but please accept me sincerest thanks.
[If you were wondering - I have NOT smoked ;-)]